You realize my attendance; you recognize my laugh; but you have no indemnification of me. Even my perfume may linger in your memory. You are able to reach out in the darkness and know the feel of my softness; yet have no perception of me.
My life seems clear to you and understood, although the emotions of my past has not reached out and choked your very breath away. Your willingness is offered; I admit that.
You know my spirit and soul while questioning how I can say; You know me not. Your perceptions and vision are correct; the parts you know. My dear my trust in you, is more then I allow any other. Do not be saddened or confused. I am unable to be known in completion.
To know me, would mean to know all of me. You see my tears; but you do not feel the carving of their sting. You see them flow down my cheek like that of a river. And yet; you can not grasp the ice coldness they leave behind.
You see the wall I have built, never knowing my need for the very suffocating protection of it. In my awkwardness to mask me; I am content and safe.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The Beauty Other's See is My Sadness
Days on end in the early evening,
I see her sit on the deck
And look at the beauty.
The trees dance in the wind for her.
They dress in the finest of colors,
Rich russet oranges, fall like yellows and emerald green.
With each change of season,
They give to the beauty
Just for her to see.
Many hours she would stare,
At the beauty around her,
Etching it in her memory.
I join her at times.
I talk and point out
The beauty around her.
She would smile
And speak a word.
So different from when I was a child.
Her once golden hair now
Shines in shades of gray.
Her once bright eyes of blue,
Show as a child lost and not understanding.
Her skin with wrinkles
Does not tell her mind
She is cold, and it turns blue with shivers.
I put a sweater around her,
And add a lap rug,
She looks at me, almost knowing.
She turns back to the driveway,
Covered with leaves,
Not treaded upon by anyone.
She sits in waiting,
For something or someone.
I sit waiting, hoping she might remember.
My heart silently cries.
For the beauty others see,
Is my sadness.
Alzheimer is her constant companion,
The only one allowed
Into her heart and mind.
I know she is in there,
I cannot reach her,
In another way, I know I have.
I am here
To share with her
The one thing she loved before.
The trees dance in the wind for her.
They dress in the finest of colors,
Rich russet oranges, fall like yellows and emerald green.
The one thing
She loves now.
We sit in waiting
.My heart silently cries.
For the beauty others see,
Is my sadness.
I gently pat her hand,
“I love you mother.”
She still sits in waiting….
Note: This is not anyone in my family, but what I have observed working in the medical field, other's and their mom.
Burning Desire
She had come back. It had been three months exactly, to the day. She sat on a bench half a block down, from his bus stop. She congratulated herself, on being able to track him down. She had a drab brown scarf tied around her hair. Some of her blond hair escaped from underneath; but she still looked like nobody familiar. He wouldn’t know. He might noticed the too warm wool over coat, but no matter to her.
The bus came. Some people got on, other got off. She sat and waited patiently. Finally she spotted him. He got off the bus; flirted with a girl getting on. Then he walked towards where she waited. He walked with a hop almost, his jacket was open and swung to the movements of his steps.
He neared to where she was waiting. She stood up, removing her scarf and undone her coat. He stopped to gawk or say something demeaning. He was like that. Before he spoke he looked at her, puzzled almost; as if he recognized her. Slowly his smile disappeared as he stood in front of her.
“Yes, its me, the one you tracked, stalked and took what wasn’t yours to take. You pleaded in my ear, how you had a burning desire and couldn’t stop. As if that made it okay. You said men had needs, that had to be met.”
He stood there with color draining from his face, as he looked at the gun she held inside of her coat. Fear broke out inside of him, sweat slowly eased down his face. She held the gun firmly and steady. There was no quivering or shaking of her hand. She showed no emotion what so ever.
“ I too, have a burning desire in my heart. My desire is to see you plead and beg for continuance on this earth. I want you to feel how desperate and lost I was, as you raped me in a cold wet alley. I want you to say “NO!” and wonder if I will take from you, as you did me.”
The man stood frozen in place. His eyes darted around for help or escape, but there was none. Her gray eyes commanded his attention again.
“Remember, I have found you once, and you never know when I might find you again, and that old burning desire will want to take from you.”
She shoved the gun back inside her coat. She walked off with a burning desire slowly smoldering out. He stood still in the same spot, waiting for her footsteps and his fear to fade away.
The bus came. Some people got on, other got off. She sat and waited patiently. Finally she spotted him. He got off the bus; flirted with a girl getting on. Then he walked towards where she waited. He walked with a hop almost, his jacket was open and swung to the movements of his steps.
He neared to where she was waiting. She stood up, removing her scarf and undone her coat. He stopped to gawk or say something demeaning. He was like that. Before he spoke he looked at her, puzzled almost; as if he recognized her. Slowly his smile disappeared as he stood in front of her.
“Yes, its me, the one you tracked, stalked and took what wasn’t yours to take. You pleaded in my ear, how you had a burning desire and couldn’t stop. As if that made it okay. You said men had needs, that had to be met.”
He stood there with color draining from his face, as he looked at the gun she held inside of her coat. Fear broke out inside of him, sweat slowly eased down his face. She held the gun firmly and steady. There was no quivering or shaking of her hand. She showed no emotion what so ever.
“ I too, have a burning desire in my heart. My desire is to see you plead and beg for continuance on this earth. I want you to feel how desperate and lost I was, as you raped me in a cold wet alley. I want you to say “NO!” and wonder if I will take from you, as you did me.”
The man stood frozen in place. His eyes darted around for help or escape, but there was none. Her gray eyes commanded his attention again.
“Remember, I have found you once, and you never know when I might find you again, and that old burning desire will want to take from you.”
She shoved the gun back inside her coat. She walked off with a burning desire slowly smoldering out. He stood still in the same spot, waiting for her footsteps and his fear to fade away.
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